This was me 2 nights ago. In fact, it was me for several days. But especially 2 nights ago.
I had woke feeling down and spent nearly the whole day crying off and on. When I wasn’t crying, I was melancholy; gloomy; sorrowful; downhearted; heavy hearted…you get the point.
That evening, after dropping my son off at a friend’s house, Jorel stopped the car and told me to stand outside under this street lamp. I had no idea what he was doing but I obliged and felt a little silly standing there. Once he’d taken the picture, he put it in black and white and told me that’s how he saw my mood all day and that maybe I should write about it. Hmmm…
When I saw the picture he had taken, I was floored, because he captured exactly how I felt! He’s so very intuitive and I love that he can see the deep things in my soul and hear the words I never even have to say!
Many of us feel like this at times in life! Some talk about it and others keep it to themselves! But, I bet nearly every person could identify with this picture at some point or another.
As a remarried widow, I still grieve the loss of the family I once had. I’m well aware things will never be the same again. I’m so fulfilled and genuinely happy in my new family, but it doesn’t come without pain. Pain with having grown children who do not live in my home and have not bonded with the new family I now have. Pain in learning to be a stepmom and all that comes with that. Pain in trying to hold what feels like all of these “extensions” close to me when things will never be the same again and I don’t know how to do it all in a way that is best for everyone… including me. Pain in unanswered questions. Pain in surrender to what I can’t fix.
Add to that, every single time I hear of a family that has entered the same grief I carry with me, especially those I know, I feel a literal pain in my gut for them! In the last week, I have learned of 2 people I have cared about that have lost their husband and mother. I ache for the pain I am aware they now have to walk through. I feel it so deeply and it can send me to a sad place for a bit.
So, when I get like this, what do I do?
Well, I talk about it with my safe people. I pray!!! Lots!!! I pray for wisdom. I pray for others. I pray I can continue being a help to other fellow widows and grievers. I allow myself to feel all the things I feel. I deeply mourn for those God puts on my heart. No shame! I write about it. And, then I go to sleep. Often I wake feeling better, sometimes I don’t. In this instance, the next day, I woke feeling rejuvenated.
I don’t know where you’re at on your journey. I don’t know the specific words that pop into your mind as you look at this picture. But, I want to say this to you: you are not alone! Many of us feel in the dark sometimes! Many of us out here feel sad, confused, lonely (even when surrounded by a room full of people), frustrated, foggy, etc, etc, at times.
I have many go to verses when I get to this place. I also have sayings and songs that help me when I feel a darkness of the soul creep over me. I think on these things:
- An object that is in motion stays in motion — as long as I keep living life, life will continue to morph and change. This present feeling or circumstance will be a distant memory or forgotten about in 10 years.
- Compared to other things I’ve overcome, this sad or gloomy feeling is really a small thing! God has me and I can do this!! And…
- “I can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens me!” ~ Philippians 4:13
- Believe it or not, I think on this silly song when I get down, “The sun will come out, tomorrow! So you gotta hang on til tomorrow! Come what may!” ~ from the movie Annie.
- I also think on this verse: “and we know that ALL things work together for good to them that love God and are called according to His purpose!” ~ Romans 8:28
So, if you’re experiencing a dark night of your soul, you are not alone! Many people in the Bible did too! Get in the Word and read of their struggles and the God Who met them in it!! Reach out to someone safe to talk to! Take your thoughts captive and more importantly, believe the truth that you know is there, whether if feels true or not.
And, lastly, I am here! I feel honored to sit with others in their pain. To cry with them when the Spirit moves me to. To listen. To hold a hand in the quiet. To offer advice where the Lord directs me to. We are all on life’s path together…no need to walk it alone.
~ Michelle ❤️