The day our lives changed forever…

Anyone who has lost someone close to them unexpectedly will know the absolute trauma, disbelief, and fog that washes over you.  You’re brain cannot even begin to fathom what has just transpired!

As I sat outside Clint’s room praying for a miracle, hoping for some good news, terrified at all that was transpiring right in front of my eyes, I felt as if all that I believed was going to be put to the test!  I looked in my daughter, Lexi’s eyes, and said, “I can’t do this!!  I can’t!!”  All of my children are incredible blessings to me, but in that moment, God had Lexi directly in front of me, eyes locked on to mine, and she assured me that we could do ANYTHING God brought us to!  And, as I look back on that day, I KNEW..I KNEW that EVERYTHING Clint and I, but mainly myself personally, had EVER believed, was about to be put to the test!!  I have not been wrong!!

I had full intentions that dreary Monday the 13th, to have a private conversation with my children about what could be coming when they arrived at the hospital, but, that was not to be either. My youngest two were completely in the dark about where this could all be going.  As we all stood outside of Clint’s hospital room, I assured them that no matter what, God IS good and we would not back down from what we believe! They were with me on that…even if they were too stunned at the time to even remember later what I said or hear me at the moment of saying it.

I don’t remember much of that day, November 13, 2017, after we said “goodbye for now”, but I remember coming home, going to our bedroom, and turning on my music.  I couldn’t tell you if I had ever heard the song I posted on facebook before or not, but it was for me in that moment and has become one of my main songs in this new chapter of my life!

[Verse 1]
There is good news
There is good truth
That you could never change
No matter what you do
You are loved
More than you know
More than you could hope for
After everything you’ve done

[Chorus]
As sure as the sun will rise
And chase away the night
His mercy will not end
His mercy will not end

[Verse 2]
There is good news
There’s a promise
That no matter where you go
You will never be alone
In the dark
In the doubting
When you can’t feel anything
O His love remains the same

[Chorus]
As sure as the sun will rise
And chase away the night
His mercy will not end

[Bridge]
Even through the night
Ohh…
Silver stars will shine
Hope of glory’s light
That will wake us once again

[Chorus]
As sure as; the sun will rise
And chase away the night
As sure as the sun; will rise
His mercy will not end
His mercy will not end

You see, I was already having to preach to myself God’s love for me.  Tell myself TRUTH when everything around me was screaming that God had left me/us!

You never outgrow your need to preach to yourself the gospel.
— John Piper
Christians have somewhere to turn, truths to rehearse until our hearts catch up with the faith in our minds.
–Marshall Segal
5 days after, my 3rd child turned 15 years old.
The day after her birthday was Clint’s viewing.
November 20, 2017 burial
November 21, 2017 — Darkness descended on my soul…
“My soul is greatly troubled; I am weary with my groaning; all night I make my bed swim; I drench my couch with my tears.  My eye wastes away because of grief…”
“Enlighten my eyes, lest I sleep the sleep of death…”
“The pangs of death surround me…”
“In my distress, I called upon the Lord, and cried out to my God…”
“Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death…”
“Turn Yourself to me, and have mercy on me, for I am desolate and afflicted.  The troubles of my heart have enlarged; bring me out of my distresses!  Look on my affliction and my pain…”
“Have mercy on me, O Lord, for I am in trouble; my eye wastes away with grief, yes, my soul and my body!  For my life is spent with grief…”
“I am like a broken vessel…”
“I am weary with my crying; my throat is dry; my eyes fail while I wait for my God.”
“Do not forsake me when my strength fails…O God, do not be far from me; O my God, make haste to help me!”
~The Psalms…they go on and on, speaking how I felt and still continue to feel at times.  I have lived in the Psalms for 5 months because it brings me comfort that others, for all of time, have experienced anguish of the soul and it is not new to God.  Although, I told God numerous times, that “I didn’t care how many people had lost someone they loved before now, no one, EVER, had experienced the level of pain I had”, I knew it wasn’t true…but I said it anyway!  God sat in my dark place with me and brought me nourishment through His Word, sent family and friends to sit in the ashes with me and weep with me, listen to me, encourage me when appropriate, and He sent music to me.  Because, music speaks things my heart longs to say, but can’t.
**A wonderful friend of mine so beautifully crafted the picture of the card at the top of the page for me based off the song I posted the day I came home from the hospital.  I would never have thought to do that, but she has been so gifted with not only an amazing creativity, but a heart that genuinely cares!  Thank you, friend…it hangs on my wall for me to look at every day! Check out her facebook page — https://www.facebook.com/threemariesgirlygoods/  **
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One thought on “The day our lives changed forever…

  1. Denise Strunk says:

    Heartwrenching and sad to read this and yet it is also filled with hope and love. Very beautiful. So sorry you’ve endured such a tragic loss so young.

    Like

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