3 Month Mark/Valentine’s Day

Hi Love,

It’s been 3 months…3 months!!!  I feel so empty as I write this tonight, Love. I miss you more than words can say!  You asked me in the letters you wrote me, while on my 1st trip to Uganda, Africa in 2007, “If I missed you?  If I was thinking of you?”  You said you couldn’t quit thinking about me.  By your 8th letter, I’d been gone a week…one week!!  You said in that letter, “I feel so pathetic & emotional today.  I’m singing love songs everywhere and anywhere I go, trying to pass the time until you get home.  I feel totally useless without you.  I thought I would be just fine, but today seemed to drag on forever.  I miss you with every ounce of energy I have left.  I know this sounds lame, I just can’t get over you today 😔” — Well, first of all, Babe, I didn’t know you knew any love songs 😉  And, secondly, I hear you!!  My stomach has been sick today and my heart races with the anticipation of “forever” without you.  How am I going to do this?

In your 7th letter, you wrote of what you were teaching the boy’s Sunday School class that day.  You didn’t know when you wrote that all those years ago, that all this time later, God had directed me to read the very Book of the Bible that you referenced!  The Lord has been directing me to Song of Solomon … crazy … huh!?!?!?  But, God does mysterious things!  Anyway, here’s what you write, “Hi Princess, Well, Sunday came and went.  Sunday School went great!  Our lesson was on ‘unending love’.  I totally understand and related to the Scriptures in the Song of Solomon.  We talked about how love was outside of time…I miss snuggling…, hoping you’re missing me too ☺️ Love, Clint”.

Yes, Babe, I’m missing you too!!!  More than you’ll ever know!  I’m so thankful our love is “outside time”!!  Thank you for writing me this to remind me…especially now!  I’m thankful the Lord uses things all the way back in 2007 to love on me, today!!  Only He can orchestrate that kind of stuff!!!

I miss snuggling with you too!  It was the first thing you said to me after waking up from your first surgery on Thursday, Nov. 9.  Still groggy from the anesthesia, you said to me, “I’ve missed you.  I just want to snuggle”.  I don’t have you to snuggle with anymore and I’m so lonesome for you.  But, God has directed me to Song of Solomon.  He’s been teaching me about how He’s my husband now.  How much He loves me and has always loved me.  Chapter 2:6 says, “His left hand is under my head, and his right hand embraces me.”  Jesus is stepping in, Babe, and loving me so sweetly.  It isn’t an easy change to make though.  I miss your arms and I cant’ feel God’s.  But, we say God’s children are His hands and feet, so sometimes when I pray, I put my left hand on my head and my right arm around me and I imagine it being Jesus and you.

 In your 6th letter to me, you write it at 1am because you can’t sleep or quit thinking about me ☺️  You say you thought you’d miss me for the things I do, but it was just “a faint whisper compared to character qualities you admire in me.”  Then you go on to say that you got to experience “something totally amazing this week…family that works, in the purest form & functions together in a way that can only be described as God inspired!.  We (us & our family) have something so wonderful, so uncommon, so beautiful that I could never put it into words.  Thru you & thru Christ, I’ve experienced Heaven, the best I could imagine, here on earth…I just wanted to tell you how blessed I feel that God loves me enough to have given me you ❤️ Let’s not settle for ordinary when we can together be extraordinary. ☺️❤️ Clint”.

Thank you, Clint, for giving us the best as well … a type of “heaven on earth”!  We couldn’t have gotten where we did without you!

I couldn’t have gotten thru all this without our sweet kids!  But, I have to tell you, Babe, I’m struggling here!  Oh, how I need you … want you!  I’m trying so so hard to take all my cares & worries to Jesus!  It’s hard making the transition from you to Jesus for everything and the hole you left in me when you went to Heaven is a gaping one!  I can hardly look at it without gasping!  I lose my breath.  And, you know, Babe, I don’t have a weak stomach 😉 No one can fix this.  All I want is you.  God is teaching me to go to Him instead.  I can be a little hard-headed sometimes though and new habits aren’t formed overnight 😉  He is patiently wooing me though!  He uses your great love for me to remind me that He gave you that love for me and I can trust Him to love me better!  And, He’s reminding me that without Him, I am more alone than I even feel now.  I know I can’t do this without Him!

I thought of Ruth, in the book of Ruth, the other day as I was reflecting on how I feel like I have lost my way sometimes.  Ruth lost her husband too.  Naomi was all she had left.  Obviously, I have the children and wonderful family and friends, but God is all I really have.  As Ruth speaks to Naomi, she says, “…wherever you go, I will go; wherever you lodge, I will lodge; your people shall be my people, and your God, my God.  And there will I be buried.  The Lord do so to me, and more also if anything but death parts you & me.”

Then I thought of when Jesus was on the earth before His ministry was fully started.  Andrew & Simon Peter were with John the Baptist.  They saw Jesus.  Then they followed Him and asked Him where He was staying.  He told them to “come and see”.  They went with Him & “remained”.

You and I, Love, have gone on a great journey toward each other and Jesus, together.  It’s been so much fun!  It’s been really hard too!  Lots of tears, sweat, laughter, joy, busy schedules, but we “remained” together and seeking Jesus.  You have gone on now.  I will remain.  I know better than you ever did, the heartache of missing the other.  I know the sleepless nights.  I know the ache.  But, I will remain.  Where God goes, I will go.  Where He lodges, I will lodge.  And, you and I are never truly parted!  He has us in His keeping.  I am learning to rest in this.  And, I truly believe you pray for me & our kids!  Sadly, I dearly miss the privilege of praying for you now 😭

Happy Valentine’s Day in Heaven, Babe, All my love forever, your Shelly

**If you’re married, how are you loving your spouse?  If you truly love yourself, you must love Jesus the most and your spouse more than yourself!!!  Are you striving to be extraordinary together or ordinary all by yourself?  Do you realize the love you give each other is the greatest gift you can give your children?

And, if you’re single or widowed like me, are you seeking Jesus more than anything?  Whatever place you have in this life, are you loving others well?  I admit that I don’t feel very good at “loving others well” right now in life.  I can barely function sometimes.  There is a season to everything.  Right now, my season is mourning.  I know joy will come later.  But, as the Lord is teaching me these things, I store them up…for when I will be able to apply them.  My energy is low. Sometimes I struggle to have a conversation where my mind doesn’t drift to the ICU, Clint, or somewhere in la la land.  I don’t feel I am loving people well right now.  But, I am intently looking to Jesus!  He’s the light in the tunnel and at the end.  This new life I have found myself in, takes constant work to “take my thoughts captive”.  I have to look to Jesus as my husband now.  He always has been my husband, but I’m looking to Him as that…maybe for the first time ever…truly.  All I gave to my earthly marriage now needs to be given to Jesus.  And, just because I am understanding it, doesn’t mean I have this perfected by a long shot…I plan to write more on this in another post, as I am still wrapping my mind around it all.  But, for now, that’s all 😉

Goodnight ~ Michelle

One thought on “3 Month Mark/Valentine’s Day

  1. Meldora Rapp says:

    This was beautiful dear one! Rest in His loving arms, take one day at a time and know that there are many praying for you and the children! I love you!!


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